Don't Worry, Be Grumpy Read online

  Don’t WorryBe Grumpy

  LAUGU ALOUD AS YOU LOOK AT LIFE A NEW WITH 108 STORIES FROM THE BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF WHO ORDERED THIS TRUCKLOAD OF DUNG?

  “If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a good metaphorical story is worth that many more. Ajahn Brahm’s latest collection is funny, endearing, and, of course, infused with wisdom.”

  —Arnie Kozak, author of Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants

  “I love a book that I can open randomly to any page and know I’ll find a valuable teaching. With every story, the irrepressible Ajahn Brahm gently challenges our conventional views, giving us a fresh perspective imbued with wisdom and compassion.”

  —Toni Bernhard, author of How to Wake Up

  “In irreverent and inescapably humorous ways, Ajahn Brahm’s stories become unforgettable learning experiences.”

  —Jean Smith, author of Now: The Art of Being Truly Present

  In these brief stories Ajahn Brahm offers up timeless wisdom that will speak to people from all walks of life. Drawing from his own experiences, stories shared by his students, and old chestnuts delivered with a fresh twist, Ajahn Brahm delights even as he surprises us with unexpected depth and inspiration.

  A Buddhist monk for over thirty years, Ajahn Brahm is the abbot and spiritual director of the Buddhist Society of Western Australia. He is in demand worldwide as both a spiritual teacher and popular speaker. His previous books include Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?, The Art of Disappearing, and Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond.

  Contents

  Preface

  1.The Container and the Contents

  2.What We Really Want

  3.Oh Shit!

  4.Poo-sitive Reinforcement

  5.The Politician in the Well

  6.Camel Face

  7.The Cracked Mug

  8.A Tale of Two Chicken Farmers

  9.Your Photo Album

  10.Pressing “Delete”

  11.Good? Bad? Who Knows?

  12.The Lost Taxi Driver

  13.There Are No Criminals

  14.The Stigma of Mental Illness

  15.Permission to Die

  16.A Buddhist Joke

  17.Old Monks Don’t Lie

  18.The Most Important Finger

  19.Describing Anxiety

  20.Kissing Pain Better

  21.The Tsunami Crocodile

  22.Honey, I Can’t Find the Kids!

  23.How a Mousetrap Killed a Chicken, a Pig, and a Cow

  24.How to Receive Praise

  25.The Fifteen Seconds of Praise Rule

  26.The Sandwich Method

  27.The 70-Percent Rule

  28.Lower Your Expectations

  29.Three of My Most Memorable Mistakes

  30.The Last Question

  31.The Benefits of Being Blown Up

  32.Should I? Shouldn’t I?

  33.Ask Your Dog

  34.Caring, Not Curing

  35.Milk and Cookies

  36.The Guilt of a Salesman

  37.The Sad Saga of the Suicidal Spider

  38.The Secret to a Happy Marriage

  39.Holy Water

  40.The Dangers of Drunk Driving

  41.Holy Shit

  42.The Origin of Materialism

  43.Kit-Cat

  44.A Dog’s Retreat

  45.An Amazing Tale of the Supernatural

  46.My Own Himalayan Journey

  47.Someone Is Watching You

  48.How Another Student Learned to Laugh at Abuse

  49.Learning from the Experts

  50.Giving Overcomes Depression

  51.The Deep Hole

  52.When Is It Okay to Lie?

  53.Why We Lie

  54.Monkey Minds

  55.Let Go of the Banana

  56.Mummy, I’m Leaving Home

  57.Passing over the Horizon

  58.The Frightened Water Buffalo

  59.The Case of the Disappearing Harley

  60.On the Ledge

  61.My Mother’s Shelf

  62.Fifty Strokes of the Cat

  63.The General with the Best Discipline in the Army

  64.Girlfriend Power

  65.Twenty Push-Ups Every Morning

  66.Tummy Wisdom

  67.The Origin of Stress

  68.Half a Sheet of Paper

  69.Dealing with BIG Trouble

  70.Kissing the Ugly Frog

  71.How Not to Pray

  72.The Blind Leading the Blind

  73.The Bad Elephant

  74.Hearing Voices

  75.Monks and Nuns Beating the Odds

  76.The Miracle

  77.Divine Intervention

  78.The Know-It-All

  79.A Tale of Two Mango Trees

  80.How to Catch a Mango

  81.Forbidden Fruit

  82.The Bully

  83.Bureaucrat Bullies

  84.A Boardroom Bully

  85.I Am Not Good Enough

  86.I Am Good Enough

  87.The Answering Machine

  88.You Have the Right Not to Be Happy

  89.The Happiness License

  90.How Much Are You Worth?

  91.The Power of Silence

  92.Inner Silence

  93.When There Is No Silence

  94.The In-Between Moments

  95.Are You a Human Being or a Human Going?

  96.Don’t Worry, Be Hopey

  97.Being a Visitor, Not an Owner

  98.Don’t Just Be Mindful, Be Kindful

  99.Kindfulness When You Are Broke

  100.Kindfulness and Stillness

  101.No Fear

  102.The Coffin

  103.Kind Ghosts

  104.Scottish Mist

  105.Bowing

  106.God in Buddhism

  107.The Enlightenment Game

  108.The Menu

  About Ajahn Brahm

  Preface

  Bananas are profound.

  They are so commonplace we think we know everything about them. In fact, we don’t even know the correct way to peel a banana! Most people peel the banana from the stalk. However, monkeys, the experts on bananas, always hold the stalk and peel their bananas from the opposite end. Try it and see. You’ll find it much less troublesome following the “monkey method.”

  In the same way, meditating Buddhist monks and nuns are experts on separating the mind from the difficulties that surround it. I invite you to follow the “monk method” of dealing with life’s problems. Like with peeling a banana, you’ll find life much less troublesome.

  1. The Container and the Contents

  There were riots in the streets some years ago after a guard at Guantanamo Bay was accused of taking a holy book and flushing it down the toilet.

  The next day, I took a call from a local journalist who told me he was writing an article about the outrage by asking leaders of all the major religions in Australia the same question he was about to ask me.

  “What would you do, Ajahn Brahm, if someone took a Buddhist holy book and flushed it down your toilet?”

  Without hesitation I answered, “Sir, if someone took a Buddhist holy book and flushed it down my toilet, the first thing I would do is call a plumber!”

  When the journalist finished laughing, he confided that that was the first sensible answer he had received.

  Then I went further.

  I explained that someone may blow up many statues of the Buddha, burn down Buddhist temples, or kill Buddhist monks and nuns; they may destroy all this, but I will never allow them to destroy Buddhism. You may flush a holy book down the toilet, but I will never let you flush forgiveness, peace, and compassion down the toilet.

  The book is not the religion. Nor is the statue, the building, or the priest. These are
only the “containers.”

  What does the book teach us? What does the statue represent? What qualities are the priests supposed to embody? These are the “contents.”

  When we recognize the difference between the container and the contents, then we will preserve the contents even when the container is being destroyed.

  We can print more books, build more temples and statues, and even train more monks and nuns, but when we lose our love and respect for others and ourselves and replace it with violence, then the whole religion has gone down the toilet.

  2. What We Really Want

  The abbot woke up early one morning. Nothing unusual in that. But this morning he was awakened by the sound of something moving in the nearby shrine room. That was unusual because most of his monks would normally be practicing their morning “chanting” at this time (“Zzzzzz . . .”) so he went to investigate.

  In the darkness he saw a silhouette of a hooded figure. It was a burglar.

  “What do you want, my friend?” said the abbot kindly.

  “Gimme the key to the donation box, punk!” said the burglar brandishing a long, sharp knife.

  The abbot saw the weapon but felt no fear. He felt only compassion for the young man.

  “Certainly,” he said, slowly handing over the key.

  As the thief frantically emptied the box of cash, the abbot noticed the robber’s jacket was torn, his face pale and gaunt.

  “When was the last time you have eaten, dear boy?”

  “Shuddup!” barked the burglar.

  “You’ll find some food in the cupboard next to the donation box. Help yourself.”

  The thief paused a moment in confusion. He was taken aback by the abbot’s consideration for his welfare. Still, pointing the knife at the monk just in case, he hurriedly filled his pockets with cash from the donation box and food from the cupboard.

  “And don’t call the cops, or else!” he shouted.

  “Why should I call the police?” answered the abbot calmly. “Those donations are to help poor people like you, and I have freely given you the food. You have stolen nothing. Go in peace.”

  The next day, the abbot explained what had happened to his fellow monks and to his lay committee. They were all very proud of their abbot.

  A few days’ later, the abbot read in the newspaper that the burglar had been caught robbing another house. This time he was sentenced to ten years in jail.

  Just over ten years later, the same abbot was woken up early in the morning by the sound of someone in the shrine room. He got up to investigate and, yes you’ve guessed it, he saw the old burglar standing next to the donation box carrying a sharp knife.

  “Remember me?” shouted the burglar.

  “Yes,” groaned the abbot reaching into his pocket. “Here’s the key.”

  Then the burglar smiled, put down the knife, and said gently, “Sir, put away the key. I couldn’t stop thinking about you all those long days in prison. You were the only person in my entire life who was kind to me, who actually cared about me. Yes, I have come back to steal again, but I realized that last time I took the wrong thing. This time I have come to take your secret of kindness and inner peace. That is what I really wanted in the first place. Please hand over the key to compassion. Make me your disciple.”

  Soon after, the thief became a monk and became rich beyond his wildest dreams. Not with money, but with a wealth of kindness and inner peace. That is what we all really want. What a steal!

  3. Oh Shit!

  During a teaching trip to North America, I taught the following inspirational metaphor:

  When you step into some dog shit, don’t get annoyed and wipe it off your shoes. Smile instead and take it back home. There you can scrape off the dog poo under the apple tree in your garden. Next year, those apples will be more plentiful, juicy, and sweet than ever before. But you must remember that when you bite into that succulent apple, what you are really eating is the dog shit! Only now it has been transformed into juicy, sweet apple.

  Similarly, when you experience any of the crises of life, it is like stepping into the dog shit. But instead of getting angry, bitter, or depressed, take it home with you and dig it into your heart. Soon you will be wiser and more compassionate. But remember, what is all that juicy wisdom and sweet love? It is just the dog shit of life transformed.

  A couple of hours after delivering that awesome piece of advice, at a rest stop on the highway, I happened to step into some real dog shit. My driver, who had just heard the brilliant metaphor, refused to let me back into his vehicle until I had scraped every bit of the dog feces off both of my sandals. He literally pooh-poohed my dog-shit simile. That is the problem with many people these days. They live in apartments cut off from nature, with no garden to transform the shit into fruit.

  4. Poo-sitive Reinforcement

  Later during my visit to North America, someone told me where that dog poo had probably come from. A sharp businessman was making a fortune potty training pet dogs whose owners lived in city apartments.

  Anyone who has had a new puppy in their house knows how troublesome it is to stop them doing their business on your expensive carpet. This businessman guaranteed to train every dog within three days to poo only outside. He used positive reinforcement.

  He or his employee would take the pooch onto the street, to a tree or a small garden, and wait until the dog pood or peed. Then he would jump up and down shouting with glee, punching the air, dancing a jig, and singing a happy song. Sometimes the trainer would even do cartwheels. He would go way over the top in exuberant celebrations and extremes of ecstasy over the dog’s excretions. It worked! That dog sensed that it had made someone very, very happy. Within three days, the dog would only poo outside. Such is the power of positive reinforcement, even on animals.

  However, the dog trainer later got into big trouble. Some of his clients would be watching a game on TV, sitting quietly on the sofa with their dog. Then their team would score a spectacular touchdown or goal, and they would jump up off the sofa in glee, punch the air, dance a jig, and sing a happy song! And guess what the dog did?

  5. The Politician in the Well

  Sometimes in life, you don’t step in the shit, someone throws it on top of you! The following story gives advice on what to do in such a situation.

  A well-known politician with a dodgy reputation was strolling through the woods when he fell into a neglected well. Fortunately the well was dry, and his skull was so thick that he incurred no injury. Unfortunately, the well was too deep for him to climb out, so he screamed for help. Usually, a person becomes hoarse after yelling for a couple of hours, but being a professional politician with many years of experience, after three hours he was just getting into his stride.

  Then a farmer came along, heard the noise, and discovered the politician at the bottom of the well.

  “Help me!” said the politician.

  “No way!” replied the farmer, recognizing him.

  The farmer hated politicians, especially ultra-sleazy ones like this one. Moreover, he had always meant to fill that dangerous well. So he got out a spade and started shoveling dirt into the well. He would bury the politician and plug the well at the same time!

  When the politician felt the mud being thrown on top of him, it was nothing unusual to him. Nevertheless, when he realized that the farmer’s intention was to bury him alive, his screaming went to a higher level normally only heard at election time.

  “I promise I will lower your taxes! I guarantee I will increase farm subsidies! I swear I will grant all cows free healthcare! Trust me!”

  On hearing those words “Trust me!” the farmer began shoveling the dirt into the well even more vigorously. The politician began to shout more desperately. Then he went quiet.

  The farmer thought that he had buried that politician and so carried on shoveling at an easier speed. The farmer was too busy shoveling to notice a strand of hair appear above the top of the well. As he shoveled more, the crown of
a head could be seen. Then after he had put a little more earth in the well, he saw the smiling head of the politician. The farmer was now too shocked to carry on shoveling.

  The politician had decided to stop complaining about having dirt thrown on him. Instead he’d shrug off the mud and compact it under his feet. After every shovelful of dirt, he would stand a few centimeters higher. Now he was high enough to climb out of the well and reward the farmer later with visits from the health inspectors and the tax collectors.

  The moral of this story is that when life shovels shit on you, shrug it off, tread it in, and you will always stand higher in life.

  6. Camel Face

  Other people will sometimes get angry with you. Even your loved ones. It happens to all of us. Some people even got angry with the Buddha! So what can you do when you are on the receiving end of someone else’s rage? The answer is to be found in the following story.

  A husband was enjoying an afternoon off work at home. His wife was busy preparing dinner when she realized she was short of eggs.

  “Darling,” she asked, “would you mind going to the market and buying some eggs for me?”

  “Sure, sweetheart,” he happily replied.

  The husband had never been to the market before. So his wife gave him some money, a basket, and the directions to the egg stall in the middle of the market.

  When he entered the market, a young man came right up to him and shouted loudly, “Hello, Camel Face!”

  “What!” replied the startled husband, “Who are you calling Camel Face?!”

  But that only encouraged the young man, who started abusing the husband even more aggressively, “Hey Bat Breath! Did you use dog poo for aftershave this morning? May the fleas of a thousand stray dogs infest your armpits!”

  Worst of all, the husband was being yelled at in public, in the middle of the market, and he had done nothing wrong at all. He got so upset and embarrassed that he turned around and walked out of the market as fast as he could.

  “You’re home early darling,” remarked his wife on his return. “Did you get the eggs?”